Lois Lerner Named Winner of the 2014 Darwin’s Hemorrhoid Award

By Michael Lordi

She led the effort by the IRS to violate nine of the 10 protections in the Bill of Rights for Tea Party organizations and conservative groups. (I guess she feels quartering British troops is OK.)

Then her name kept popping up in memos with instructions to the IRS’s Cincinnati team on how to stall and thwart applications by these groups for non-profit status with bewildering requests for more information.  (“Please provide the Third Grade report cards for everyone in your group, as well as everyone in the county where you reside, highlighting their recorded grades for Penmanship.  The same for their parents, grandparents and great-grandparents.”)

She gathered private and protected information on financial supporters of these groups including tax information, and illegally turned it over to the Federal Election Commission.

When a Congressional Oversight Committee called for her to explain, she cloaked herself in the very Constitutional protections she abused in others by pleading the Fifth.  Then, without so much as a “See ya’, have a happy life,” she bolted the hearing room, leaving Committee members, staff and the entire country aghast wondering what the hell happened.

Oh yes, she then went on administrative leave at full salary ($143,000) and in September officially retired from the IRS with a $50,000 a year taxpayer-funded pension with full benefits.

She’s none other than Lois Lerner, a career bureaucrat and serial civil rights violator.  In recognition of her unfathomable hubris, her Stalin-like treatment of fellow citizens with opposing political views and her unreported efforts for the re-election of President Obama in 2012, (I’ll connect the dots in a moment.) I am naming Ms. Lerner winner of the 2014 Darwin’s Hemorrhoid Award.

The Darwin’s Hemorrhoid Award, the first of its kind and the first for this blog, recognizes the previous year’s most vile, dark and abhorrent actions contributing to the devolution of the civil society.  Ms. Lerner narrowly beat out James Clapper, National Intelligence Director who before Congress denied that the National Security Administration was spying on American citizens and that he had the phone taps and confiscated emails to prove it.  Attorney General Eric Holder tied for third with Necrotizing fasciitis, the flesh-eating bacteria that ravaged a hospital in New Zealand and killed several people in this country last year.

Ms. Lerner deserves this award not only because she supervised the full-throttled government attack and repression on the freedoms of Barak Obama’s political opposition, but also because her actions had repercussions so widespread, it literally won Obama reelection.

Keep in mind that the IRS team evaluating applications for non-profit status that she managed was based in Cincinnati, a city in Ohio, the state Obama had to win for reelection.  By jerking around the Tea Parties – especially those in the Buckeye state – and delaying their applications as non-profits, they were prevented from systematically organizing with one another on campaigns (violating their Freedom of Peaceful Assembly) sharing information (violating their Freedom of Speech) and spending on issues advertising, (That dang Freedom of Speech again) not to mention supporters’ right to privacy. (See U.S. Supreme Court ruling in Griswold v. Connecticut, 1965 – That is until Chief Justice John Roberts mucks it up.)

Keeping the conservative opposition in Ohio fragmented and underfunded tipped the balance of influence in the 2012 presidential election toward Obama who won the state by only two percent, thus securing the necessary electoral votes for victory.

Mission accomplished, Lois.

Today, Ms. Lerner walks the streets unscathed, protected by Eric Holder’s Justice Department that throughout 2013 repeatedly refused requests from Congressional committees to turn over incriminating documents.  And to add insult to injury, as a government retiree, she is exempt from Obamacare and entitled to keep her taxpayer-funded Cadillac health insurance plan.

You may say others deserve the Darwin’s Hemorrhoid Award, so let’s look at the list of the runners-up and see why they couldn’t measure up (or sink lower) than Lois Lerner.

  • President Obama  —  Even though his promises about people’s choices under Obamacare earned him the “Lie of the Year” from the website Politico.com, 2013 was an unproductive year for the president.  He scored no legislative achievements other than getting the compliant mainstream media to blame Republicans for his own refusal to negotiate with them for a budget deal, which eventually led to a government shutdown.  The government shutdown, however, affected nobody other than government workers deemed “unessential”.  Thus his limited impact in 2013 put Mr. Obama out of consideration.
  • U.S. Senator Henry Reid  —  Understandable selection, but you have to be alive to win the award.
  • Alec Baldwin  —  Truly, an irritating presence; but outside New York City, nobody cares about Alec, apparently not even his credit card commercials.
  • Hillary Clinton  —  Like Sargent Shultz of “Hogan Heroes” fame, Hill was the “I-see-nothing” Secretary of State when Ambassador Christopher Stevens begged for more security around the American consulate in Benghazi when it became apparent Al-Qaeda-affiliated groups were targeting the compound for an attack on the anniversary of September 11.  Instead, State reduced its security contingent and she’s never been held accountable for a reason, leaving it to middle management to explain – and take the heat.  And when asked in Congressional hearings why she insisted that a Benghazi flash mob killed Stevens and three other security personnel in retaliation for an American producer’s unflattering video on the life of the Prophet Muhammad – despite knowing all along it was a lie — she screeched the immortal, “What difference does it make!?”  But that was in 2012 and ass-saving lies to the Clintons are as normal as ocean water to sharks.  Hill wisely kept a low profile in 2013 and so she took herself out of the running for the award.  No need to worry.  We expect greater and unparalleled reprehensible things from the future presidential candidate that will doubtless catapult her to the lead in future years.
  • Kanye West and Kim Kardashian  —  Just as we take a mental shower and leave them behind, they figure out a way to get back in our faces.  On the irritation scale, they are more a case of recurring acne rather than hemorrhoids.
  • Miley Cyrus  —  She was chafing when she was Hanna Montana.  But she taught us what the word ‘twerking’ meant and that counts for something.  What I don’t know.
  • Bob Costas  —  The irritation prowess of this dean of NBC Sports is legendary.  His anticipated verbal flatulence and mind-numbing perspectives in the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics could give him the edge in the running for the 2015 award since he’ll have a global audience.  Look for the oversized turtleneck, the tweed sports jacket, and puns that would make a buzzard puke.
  • John Boehner  —  2014 may be the last year for the Speaker of the House to make a run for a Darwin Hemorrhoid.  While he proved his mettle as a nuisance in 2013, he accomplished little, preferring instead to hand Democrats victory after victory despite polls that showed his opposition way out of synch with the American people.  The 2014 midterm elections will be a watershed, though.  Expect him to be replaced as Speaker in 2015 and we shall hear from him nevermore.
  • Kim Jong-un  —  An up-and-comer, but even his tag-team partner Dennis Rodman couldn’t give him the gravitas for a 2013 consideration.
  • Dennis Rodman  —  LOL.
  • Alex Rodriguez  —  Drugs and dirtbaggery alone were not enough to move Alex into the Top Ten Hemorrhoids.  Besides, injuries and his lawyer kept him mostly out of the public eye in 2013.
  • Cecile Richards  —  Forgot about her, but she was never under consideration.  Cecile is the president of Planned Parenthood, an organization that in 2013 orchestrated the deaths of 327,166 children still in their mothers’ wombs.  The website Redalertpolitics.com reviewed Planned Parenthood’s 2012 annual report and calculated that if the organization treats an estimated 3 million people annually as claimed, then abortions represent 11 percent of its services, not the 3 percent it falsely claims.  Cecile in 2013 used the “only 3 percent” argument to silence the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops who objected to mandatory coverage of abortions in Obamacare for institutions, like theirs, who view it a violation of their religious beliefs.  The website also reported that Planned Parenthood last year received almost half of its $540.6 million revenue from taxpayers via the federal government, and it banked $1.5 billion in net assets.  It’s hard to believe any of this would be irritating to Darwin.

Perhaps you have a favorite who should have been in the running for a Darwin’s Hemorrhoid Award.  Post a response and tell me why your candidate should have won.  (No in-laws or neighbors, please.)

About Armando Diana

A freelance writer for more than 30 years I covered the political scene in New Jersey which can prepare anyone for national politics. I have no fancy political degrees and I'm definitely not a lawyer - I am a common person who is fed up with politics. I want leaders focused on doing what is right for the country, not for them.
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