A friend at work called me up to rant about our company’s insatiable lust for increased processes. I told her I have a new process for accepting calls of rant. She needed to fill out a 121-question questionnaire followed by six essays on the purpose of her rant. She then must pay a fee and can only speak for the last 10 minutes of the call.
There is a waiting list for the pool club where my I am a member. I have sponsored six families who are willing to pay an additional fee to expedite the process. There is a chance they will be members in five years. Families from neighboring towns climb the fence and partake in our daily pleasures. No one minds because the towns they come from are worse than our town and the families just want better pool water. What’s the harm?
I decided not to cut my grass because I’m a pacifist. In fact, I am trying to ban all lawn mowers because lawn mowers kill grass.
Two of my neighbors are fighting with each other. The argument stems around one neighbor erecting a tree house in the other neighbor’s yard. He simply took his land. The first neighbor asked me to intervene so I told them I am not going to have a party at my house that I was planning until they make nice. I do not like throwing my weight around like that but someone had to take a stand.
I bought a car for $40,000. My wife was angry that I would waste so much money on a vehicle. I told her I was going to buy a $60,000 car so I saved the family $20,000.
I got into a fight with a co-worker because I took his lunch out of the fridge and ate it yesterday. The argument became so heated I went to HR to complain. I filed a grievance against him for leaving his food in my line of sight and enticing me to eat it. They fired him today.
I helped my son with his fundraiser for school. I asked all my rich friends to pay twice and attributed half of their donations to my poor friends.
I am bombarded by public service announcements featuring dying smokers bestowing the virtue of not taking up the habit. Meanwhile, I’m celebrated every time I light up a joint!
I am an avid gardener and have a great spot on my property to grow a garden. Unfortunately, I spotted an owl in the tree and decided to build my garden on the patio but will end up buying my vegetables at an overpriced Farmer’s Market.
I took a mule down into the Grand Canyon the other day. Unfortunately, I had beans the night before and the inevitable release occurred as I was bounced around by the mule. My wife scolded me for altering the atmosphere of the Grand Canyon with my emissions.
If all these scenarios seem ridiculous why do we accept similar ones from our government?